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Phone Eulogy

Rest in Peace

Pookie’s Samsung S8 “Sam” Cell Phone
November 12, 2017–November 8, 2023

I appreciate everyone being here with me during this time of sorrow. The fact that you are present to provide solace and encouragement amidst this painful period means everything. I will make every effort to ensure that this is a time of celebration of life rather than mourning for the deceased. We have gathered in remembrance of the Samsung S8 cell phone that I cherished.

Many of you know that I lost my Samsung S8, whom I lovingly called “Sam,” in a senseless act of arson. Some investigators attribute the death to the victim’s senior age, but I have no doubt that Sam’s charging cable played a role in his untimely demise. Both gadgets melted and were declared dead at the scene.

I understand that these things happen for a reason, but I can’t help but wonder: Why me, why Sam? Despite the fact that he wasn’t my first, I loved him like he was. So, what can you say about a phone that died? I’d like to share with you some of the amazing features that made my phone so special.

Sam and I traveled everywhere together. He was my constant companion as I attempted to run and walk across the globe. There was a special zippered pocket in my fanny pack just for him. He tallied my steps. He kept track of the miles. He notified me when my heart rate was elevated and gently prodded me when I’d been sitting at the computer too long. He was the ideal partner for my Fitbit, and they made quite a pair. My Fitbit, to be honest, doesn’t know what to do without him. We’re both lost and stunned.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge Sam’s artistic side. It didn’t matter if my hands were shaky and sweaty or the sun was too bright as I clicked photo after photo; Sam knew exactly what to do to make all the photographs appear beautiful. What a device!

Because he was so special, I always treated Sam with the utmost respect and care. He was never thrown across the room. He only experienced the bitter taste of asphalt a few times when he was accidentally dropped while on a trail. But like a trooper, Sam shook it off and kept on ticking.

And what a talented musician he was! He knew just which music encouraged and inspired me. He never grumbled about having to repeat show tunes and oldies rock songs. He kept the beat going.

Whenever I was at the gym, and every night, my thespian phone read audiobooks to me. In fact, most evenings, I looked forward to being tucked in and lulled to sleep by his magical vocal intonations.

And did I mention how smart Sam was? Like a wizard, he tallied my bridge scores each week and could even do percentages when asked to.

He knew that numbers are not my thing. I could always count on him.

Many of you may believe that I should have replaced Sam a long time ago; after all, he was over 90 in cell phone years. But doing so would have felt like betraying a trusted friend. Who abandons someone simply because he is old? That’s what updates and knee replacements are for.

Call me stubborn, but I thought Sam was perfect just the way he was, even though he was starting to show his age and slow down a bit. When he started having incontinence problems (he couldn’t hold a charge), I loved him just the same.

It’s always hard to say goodbye, even though there is another phone that will be delivered any day. The newbie will have big shoes to fill and will hopefully someday earn my respect.

Will you all join me in a moment of silence as we mourn a truly great phone?

It was a wild and crazy journey, Sam. Despite receiving your fair share of ridicule from your “smarter” pals with fruity names, you handled it like a champ. I will cherish the time we spent together. Sam, I shall never forget you. You are loved.

And, as you make your way to that magnificent galaxy in the sky…please…don’t forget to text me.


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Copyright © 2023 – Wimpy Girl. All Rights Reserved By Pookie Ryan
This work by Anel “Pookie” Ryan is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

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