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Holiday Wardrobe Malfunction

My sweatpants (bless them) are my go-to “uniform” for this time of year. Of course, my jeans are constantly protesting, but I figure they are just jealous. After all, ’tis the season to be comfortable, right? There is nothing like the holidays for coziness and comfort, comfortable settings, comfortable clothing, and comfort food. So, this week, in the spirit of the season, I’ve gotten comfortable. I’ve taken the week off and let my sweatpants be the guest blogger. See you next week!

GUIDE TO HOLIDAY EATING

by Wimpy Girl Sweatpants

void all vegetables. Any holiday party hostess who adorns her table with a vegetable tray just doesn’t understand what the season is all about. Carrots are okay only if they are in cakes or cooked with excessive amounts of brown sugar and real butter. In fact, if you are at a party where any type of raw vegetable is served, leave immediately.

nd, speaking of parties, don’t snack before a party to control your eating. Hello, it’s free food. The whole point of holiday parties is to gorge, right?

hile scarfing out at a buffet table and you find something really good, don’t budge. Under no circumstances, leave your post. Fill your plate. Just like a rummage sale, the good stuff always goes first.

rink plenty of fluids, like eggnog. Especially eggnog. Forget the fact that it has a gazillion calories in each sip. You can only find it in the stores this time of year, so drink up.

t a family meal, make sure you sample all of the desserts. Remember that a sample always means a slice, not a bite. If there is a pie that you don’t like, like mincemeat or pumpkin, have two slices of something else. Each should be smothered with whipped cream as a garnish.

on’t forget that gravy is a food group. Heap it on.

s far as fruit, it is only allowable in fruitcake or pies. Remember that some cultures consider nuts to be fruits, so it’s best to add them to all desserts.

hocolate is seasonal. It’s always best eaten during the holidays. Make sure you don’t miss out on all the varieties that are available this time of year.

on’t even think about exercising between now and New Year’s. There is plenty of time to do that in January, when there is nothing else to do. The only exercise allowed during this time is doing laps around the buffet table and lifting your 15-pound plate when it’s full.

nd speaking of January, when you have trouble zipping your jeans, remember that there are always after-Christmas clothing sales. After all, you only live once; it just might not be quite as long as you planned if you follow my advice.

Happy Holidays!

 

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This work by Anel “Pookie” Ryan is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

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